Mating in Captivity ~ How do you have Passion & Security with one person?

“Why is the forbidden so erotic?”

Our needs to for fulfillment, to feel passion and desire seem to be completely incompatible with our needs for safety and security. We live in a time where there are many forces social and economic compelling couples to stay together, willing or not. However the nature of desire happens in the realm of the imagination. Desire is all about mystery and possibility, uncertainty where as security is all about predictability, clarity and yes certainty.

“Why does good sex always fade even between couples who love each other as much as ever?”

Infidelity in today’s world can and is orchestrated via social media platforms such as TINDER, advertising discreetly – ‘Married woman looking for casual fun’. However – this casual fun leaves a cataloged record in the form of Facebook messages and texts to be eventually found and when these are found – they shatter spirits, destroy trust and leave wounds that cut deep in the form of detailed messages of intimate exchanges that excluded the one with whom you promised … to be ‘something’, to feel ‘something’.

“Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?”

Infidelity has been one of the ways we, men and women, have sought to have both desire and security. We split these needs across two people and in doing so, avoiding the challenges of intimacy a little longer and leave a deluge of hurt and betrayal in our wake and still … have not found, what we are looking for.

“Can we want what we already have?”

For many couples, infidelity results in the end of the relationship. However – leaving the relationship irritatingly does not resolve the problem of why infidelity exists in the first place. The challenges of intimacy lead deeper and deeper in to the heart of vulnerability, surrender and revealing yourself to yourself, through doing it safely – with another, to whom you have not promised to be faithful.

“Why does sex make babies and babies spell erotic disaster?”

Ester Perel, a Psychoanalyst, dared to unmask this taboo subject and presented a TED Talk she titled, “Mating in Captivity”. She asks all the hard questions like …

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